"Maybe We Could Just Cuddle And Wank Each Other"
If you saw a guy stumbling out of the Krazyhouse with vomit on his chin, that was me. If you saw a guy wandering up the road staring at strangers in an aggressive manner, well, that was me. The guy who tried pushing past the bouncers in D'jangos Riff? Yes, me again. The guy who was thrown roughly and (I thought) rudely out of the Riff? The guy who stormed off up the road swearing at the bouncers? The guy who got punched in the face by two guys sent after him by the bouncers? The guy who could be seen outside Lloyds TSB knocking on the window of a police car to tell them he'd been assaulted; an empty police car? Er, yes - all me.
Nursing a swollen eye and wanting to be sick again, I made my way to the taxi rank near Concert Square. However, instead of finding a taxi like any normal person, I walked into a moving car. A tubby, middle-aged Asian man wound down his window.
Asian guy: Hey mate, where do you think you're goin'?
Me: Hey! Hi. Uh, I wanna go to, uh, Greenbank Halls.
Asian guy: Cool man, I live near there. Get in!
Little Matthew Goes On An Adventure, Part 1:
Matt Dickinson's Advice for Little Children #1:
- If a man in the streets stops his car and offers you a lift, do NOT get in his car. No matter how many sweets he offers you. He is probably a rapist.
- Don't do as I do; do as I say.
"Hello!" said Matthew, climbing gaily into the Asian man's car. "My name is Matthew!" he said, because it was.
"Yeah mate, we gotta go pick up some stuff from ma friend's house before I take yous home, ok?" said the Asian man in a scouse accent, before driving off and swerving past a taxi. This wasn't part of the original deal, but Matthew was wankered and could only see the positive side of getting a free ride home.
Matt Dickinson's Advice for Little Children #2:
- Some things are more important than saving money. Like preserving one's anal virginity.
- Seriously.
Matthew couldn't remember a lot of the journey later, having drunk rather too much "fire-water" with his friends. However, not long later the nice Asian man stopped the car, and said "I'll be back in a minute", before getting out of the car. Matthew didn't know where on earth he was. Placing blind trust in a random man seemed like the most sensible option available, though, so he watched as the man banged on the ground floor window of a house. After a few minutes, a man appeared at an upstairs window, and dropped some small bags down to the Asian man. "How curious!" thought Matthew, happy that the man's friends were giving him presents this late at night.
This happened several more times over the next hour, as they drove all over Liverpool to see the man's friends. "Golly!" thought Matthew, "What nice friends this man has. But all these presents - it must be his birthday!" Matthew tried to think of something, anything, that he could possibly give his new friend as a present. But what could a lonely middle-aged man possibly want from a young, naive boy like him?
Matt Dickinson's Advice for Little Children #3:
1. Lonely middle-aged men only want one thing.
2. This does not only apply to Asian men.
Ok, soon this story picks up slightly more adult themes than child-kidnap and drug-dealing, so enough with the children's story bullshit. Plus, it gets annoying writing like that, and only about a third of my audience is likely to be children anyway. And they're the illiterate ones I keep in my cellar.
The whole time I was texting Ashlea - messages like "I am going to die tonight. HELP ME" and "Seriously, I think I'm going to die. Why aren't you helping me?" She sent back funny things like, "Where are you Matt? I can't help you if I don't know where you are!" What a joker. Fucking riot. I COULD HAVE DIED, YOU WHOREBITCH.
Eventually we got to the guy's house, and he tells me his name is Tony. Now, I'd love to tell you that he invited me in, and I said no, but thanks anyway and I can walk the rest of the way home (even though I have literally NO idea where we are). I'd even love to tell you that he invited me into his house, and I said yes. But no, I'm pretty sure I asked if I could come in. I have no idea why I did this. It was real stupid. You don't need to tell me this.
So we hung out in his upstairs flat, drinking, smoking weed. I don't know why I was in such an acceptant mood, but by the time Tony offered me two pills and a cup of coffee I just thought "What the hell" and went for it. This was at about 2 in the morning, I guess. Then we smoked some more. And drunk some more. Then it got weird, because the tubby middle-aged Asian guy (who claimed to be 27) laid down on his bed and started taking his shoes and socks off.
Tony: (resting his head sexily on his hand) So, do you ever have sex with men?
Me: Uh. Huh?
Tony: You know... bisexual. Are you bisexual?
Me: Me? Haha, no man. No, I have a girlfriend. Haha.
That's nervous laughter. That's nervous oh-my-god-I'm-going-to-be-raped-and-no-one-will-hear-my-screams laughter.
Tony: It's just, y'know, you have that look about you. Have you ever tried, like, being with a guy?
Me: Haha, no... no I haven't. Why?
Tony: Why not?
What the fuck do I say to this? "Because sodomy is vile and immoral?" Look, I have gay friends, and I don't have anything against their lifestyle or sexuality. But believe me, in the context of this hairy man running his hand along his chest, lying on a double bed which was sort of between me and the door, it definately seemed vile and immoral. The guy proceeded to tell me that it was close-minded of me to dismiss being with a man just because I had never done it before. You never know, I might enjoy it. And the problem was, I was kind of scared that if I outright rejected him, he would get angry and rape me. So you know what I did next? I did the decent and honourable thing. I gave him a chance.
Me: Well, you know, maybe we could meet up for a coffee or something next week sometime?
Tony: Yeah, or a drink at a bar maybe. And, you know, if you feel like you want to be with a man, maybe you could come back here with me?
Phew, dodged a bullet there. Avoid rape by promising consensual sex at a later date. I think I'm beginning to understand the mindset of the women I date. Just in case he tried anything, though, I excused myself to go to the bathroom (making sure he wasn't following me). Thinking quickly, I shoved his shaving razor in my pocket, to defend myself if necessary. ("What?!" said Amy Loughe at a later date, "Were you going to SHAVE him to death?" Whatever, dick. You weren't there.) To me, this is proof that, no matter how off my face on illicit substances I may have been, I was still in a rational state of mind. I knew what I was doing. I was in control. I'm not a fucking idiot. I was armed, and my world was suddenly a safer place. Give me ten razors and I could make the whole fucking world safer.
When I came back, Tony had rolled another spliff, which he was suprisingly generous with. Perhaps he thought it would "loosen me up", and it sure did. Buoyed with confidence by the security of having a razor (triple-bladed) in my coat pocket, I began questioning him on his sexuality, how it conflicted with his Catholic faith, and when he was going to give me a lift home (the answers were, respectively: "Sometimes it's nice to, you know, be with a man. Sexually. It's just different. You should try it, you know, it might be nice. It's nice different"; "It doesn't. God loves everyone"; and "Don't worry about that man, have another drink").
This is when it got frightening, even for me. Tony looked deep into my eyes.
Tony: You know, sometimes you just need to be with a man because of what you went through as a child.
Me: Uh... what do you mean?
Tony: Like, I can tell, just from looking at you, that something happened to you when you were little. Is that right, Matt?
Me: (still co-operating out of a very real fear of rape) Er... yeah... maybe.... I dunno...
Tony: Like, here's what I think, Matt. I think you was abused as a child. Maybe by your dad, or an uncle or something?
Me: (nodding like a twat) Yeah, uh, maybe... I can't remember...
Tony: Y'know, you probably kinda... y'know...
Me: Suppressed? (shut the fuck up, Matt! What the fuck are you doing?)
Tony: Yeah. You probably suppressed the memory. But you were definately abused as a child. I can tell stuff like that, you know. I can see it in your eyes, like. And sometimes, you know, you just need to let all that pain out of you.
Me: By being with a man?
Tony: Yeah Matt, that's right. So you want to stay here tonight? We can talk about it?
Me: Actually, uh, maybe another time, but...
Tony: You could sleep here with me, like. Tell me about the abuse and stuff. It might help to talk about it.
Me: Uh, maybe another time man. But I really need to get going soon...
I don't properly remember leaving his place, though Tony was real gentlemanly when it came to opening doors for me and putting his hand on my cute bum as I walked beside him. Then he gave me a lift back to Halls (that's right - he kinda knows where I live now). We carried on talking while we were in the car:
Tony: You know, you don't have to worry about it being cheating on your lady or anything like that. She don't have to know. Like, it might be something you just need to do sometime.
Me: Uh, yeah, I'll think about it. I'll give you a ring (we exchange numbers - he puts his name in as Tony C)... sometime next week maybe...
Tony: Like, soon? Maybe tomorrow, maybe?
Me: Uh, yeah, maybe... awesome then.
Tony: You know, we wouldn't have to have sex. We could just, like, cuddle and wank each other.
Me: What... I'm sorry?
Tony: We could just cuddle and wank each other.
WE COULD JUST CUDDLE AND WANK EACH OTHER. Uh huh, that's a good offer, Tony. If I'm not entirely comfortable with you putting your dick in my ass, maybe I'll be fine with just giving you a hand job while you press your naked, hairy thighs against my face.
Anyway, he dropped me off at halls at about 4 in the morning. He kissed me goodbye - on the cheek. He was a real gentleman, looking back on it. I, on the other hand, came in shaking and gabbling like a maniac, phoning my girlfriend and Greg to tell them about my near-death, near-rape experience. Thing is, I don't know what the fuck I took that night (Emily Tyler says I was on crack), but the next morning I woke up and my heart was racing like I'd had a shot of adrenaline straight into it. I felt sick. I was shaking. I tried lying on my bed, closing my eyes, listening to soothing music, but none of this calmed me down. So I did the only sensible thing in this situation. Quaking like a five-year-old heroin addict, I packed a suitcase with clothes for the weekend, grabbed my hamster (this is not a euphamism - her name is Bunny), and bought a one-way £70 train ticket to Somerset to see my girlfriend.
I was shaking and dying for most of the morning. The come-down lasted most of the 5 hour train journey, which was made better only by all the nice people at Birmingham New Street station returned my hamster to me when I let her run around by herself while I had a nap. My girlfriend must have loved the suprise of me turning up at her house, sweating and ill-looking, with a bunch of flowers. She certainly looked suprised that I was alive. I stayed for a week, and actually got quite a lot of college work done. The thing is, sometimes you just have to get away from the madness of Liverpool. It can fuck you up.
The point of writing this was to demonstrate, beyond all doubt, that I was not raped that night. That would have been a fucking amazing story. I dunno - maybe I'm supressing the memory of being raped? Maybe I need to deal with this, not by seeing a counsellor or the police (logical choices), but by going back to Tony's flat and having a night of passionate sex with him. And maybe I will. But you, Mark Barbour, can stop nodding your head knowingly and saying "Sure you weren't raped, Matt" in that tone of voice - I wasn't raped, and I wasn't abused as a child, and my friends are all twats.
© 2008-2010. LSMEDIA is written, designed and produced independently by the students of the University of Liverpool.
Comments
I'm going to murder someone. Why is the first half of this in a massive font? I've lost patience with the stupid formatting part of this site, so if some other editor can be bothered to downsize the first half of this for me I'll be very grateful, and take you off the murder list. M
Dick-in-son,
I can't understand why you've written this on here.
You say its to demonstrate that you weren't raped that night, I don't know you, most of Liverpool students don't know you either, so why do we care. If you hadn't written this article only your small group of friends at Krazyhouse would have realised that there was a possibility you were raped that night.
Why don't you get them all together and explain yourself rather than posting this lengthy story on here, you've had a year to do it so why bother posting it up on the internet now?
I don't really care, and would really appreciate it if only interesting things were posted on here that actually affect students at Liverpool.
I'm not sure that this item really has a point, but I don't think it needs one? It's a good story.
At times reads a bit odd with references to random people's names, but thats because before Matt submitted it to us it had been a Facebook note so the original audience would have known who those people are.
As part of the Features section rather than News etc we have more scope to publish random things like this, and while it might not be everyone's cup of tea I liked it - it's amusing, a bit Vice magazine and it adds a welcomed bit of variety to the section.
Phil (features ed)
I'm With Phil on this one. I think it does have a point; In telling a great story. It also, gives an additional string to the magazines bow.
It's commentary, it's one guys take on student life and his learning of the problems that new found freedom can bring. It's an Interesting take on masculinity and how a young man can feel threatened and his attempts to understand it.
The article is hugely entertaining, irreverant, unsettling at points and humourous.
Gregory,
I like that you can grope your friends ego some more by agreeing with his post, but I have to let you know that I still disagree with what you say.
I don't think this piece is commentary, it tells us the story of Dick-in-son's "mental" night out in Krazyhouse, and the following morning trying to get out an awkward situation. If I was looking for commentary on this site it would probably be in a much broader sense. Dick-in-son didn't have to tell us all about how krazy he was in swallowing 2 pills and a cup of coffee, neither is it is important he has a hamster, but he did.
I think that Dick-in-son just enjoys to see his work online and would appreciate all his mates reading it and getting them to say how entertaining he is.
Its all very pretentious and I'd prefer something a bit more honest to written on here. I didn't think the article was entertaining; I just imagined some pathetic loner wandering Wood St. look for a car to jump in so he'd have something to talk about the next day.
Irreverant isn't a word. Irreverent is a word.
Why was the article unsettling, because you were aware you were wasting 5 more minutes of your life reading rubbish on the internet? Humorous (just one u), yes thinking of Dick-in-son grabbing his hamster and having to head of to Somerset for the week was humorous, too many nights in Krazyhouse had taken there toll on poor Dicky who just had too have a terrible come down in a London Midland train carriage. Sounds humorous to me.
To be fair jonesy, your grammar is about as bad as his spelling. There's no need to be so abrasive, truth or not, it was funny for me (and no I'm not his friend), which doesn't necessarily mean it'll be funny for everyone. Live and let live?
Hahaha. Jonesy, you boring old fart... go get yourself laid. You need it. But you don't need to get so irate about an article you don't like (not to mention pedantic about spelling and grammar). Just don't read it again if it gives you high blood pressure, and try not to take things so seriously.
And on a lighter note, this article is only here for the entertainment of people who find this sort of thing, er, entertaining. And there are lots of them. And this is the Features section, which is perfect for this sort of miscellaneous article. And Jonesy, I have been aware of the humourous (alternative spelling for humorous, pre-dates Americanization of the English language) implications of my surname since primary school, but I don't think this is really the place for personal attacks, do you?
Anyway, sorry if my article offended you. But you don't need to hang around complaining.
Wow, bit of comment beef going on - play nicely everyone, different strokes for different folks and all...
Phil, I respect that this is the Features section, and that I clearly have no jurisdiction here, but I really think that by allowing articles such as this, especially when read in the context of Matt's previous escapades and the other attrocious article, are just pandering to his already massively oversized ego. I have met Matt, and I have read both articles, and I can definitively say that there is not one scrap of evidence within his personality to justify such pretentiousness. Although there may be a few scattered viewers who actually found this entertaining, I have received many complaints from friends, and our writers in the Arts section who found both articles offensive, pointless and abrasive. If you're willing to take the risk that we'll lose viewers and possibly damage our prospects for future advertising and whatever, then that's fine. I just thought I should fully demonstrate how much this and the other article angered me, in case you and Matt weren't already fully aware.
I think people have attached meaning to this article that wasn't there when it was written... clearly illustrated by the author by the comment on the purpose of it: "to piss off morons".
Fair enough if it had a message to it but if everyone were to write something like this, regarding a nightout then the site would nothing short of low calibre message board.
This is one of the funniest, well written and absorbing articles I have ever read, Sphinx or otherwise. How on earth is there a scrap of pretension anywhere in this article? Matthew enjoys a night out which concludes in him being brought back to an anonymous drug dealers' house at god knows what o'clock, trying to politely (but firmly) escape, in what what sounds like one of the most disturbing situations one should ever have to encounter. There's not a shred of pretension to be found in this scenario!
As for this whole furore as to the literal content, I find it a little bit more than hypocritical that Matthew is being chastised (quite unprofessionally I might add) for his contribution to Sphinx, whilst you still regularly publish a set of features about "some girl" whose antics include: sex.
This is just the kind of article Sphinx needs to really engage the intelligence and maturity of it's readership. Good job, Pinka.
firstly, check your facts. The articles you are referring to have not received a new addition in months now.
secondly, of course you're going to make this comment. YOU LIVE WITH THE BOY. the rest of reserve the right to pass our own judgement.
So I don't have a right to an opinion? This is such a shocking waste of time. I'd never expect such public bickering from editing staff either.
The word is pretense.
Pinka ?
When I was a child I loved strawberry flavour Nesquik. But I was a retard child and called it "pinka-pinka".
I think this article is wonderful, it's a entertaining piece, that people our age would enjoy reading, as well as finding it amusing, it is also very well written!
I think that it is highly unprofessional to post personal attacks on a public site. This argument seems to have become simple childish bickering.
Meh, I thought it was funny, but I can understand why people think it's pretentious Matt.
I agree that the amount of people commenting on this is a bit ridiculous, it's not exactly a serious article and it's not as if you are aiming to offend people.
I think that whether it is relavant to this magazine/thing, or whether it is relative to anything actually, it's not the kind of thing that you can take this far out of context. It would certain stick out from the general dribble that somehow seems to make it into student publications.
Yes it may not have needed to be published in this manner, but at the same time - who cares? I wish people would simply pass judgement on things in their own minds rather than aimlessy broadcasting opinions and ultimately creating conflict.
Anyways, I am a hypocrite for writing on here, but oh well, I was bored!
After re-reading this I think it worked better in this format as a facebook note, but it's still pretty funny.
Just for the record, and not wishing to be drawn into any kind of argument on the issue, I actually think this is a funny, refreshing and very well written article. One of the most entertaining things I've read on this site thus far. And by causing the above furore it has done what all creative writing should do; it has elicited a response. Like it or not, at least your talking about it.
"Like it or not, at least your talking about it." - I agree. It is a somewhat controversial article and I can certainly understand why it's not everyones' cup of tea but it has got people talking.
I'm undecided about this article. Yes, its well written but anyone could be easily offended by this. I know we're all supposed to be "liberal" minded and whatever and try and get rid of social taboos but the way some of this is worded isn't very sensitive. It kind of seems like you just wanted to brag about your so called "vice magazine" experience.
Hahaha this is the funniest thing I have read in a while. I will have to warn my boyfriend about these perils of drunken nights out. Good stuff. Jacqui xx
I think this kind of thing is best kept to facebook, not just because it is tasteless and self indulgent but because it is mind-numbingly boring. We all know students have 'wild' nights out, who wants to read about them? I blame facebook for this ridiculous article as it has clearly produced a culture of people really believing that the rest of us want to know every minute detail of their lives and how 'FUCKING MASHED LAST NIGHT' they were.
Dull dull dull
Just joined this website and stumbled across this. Absolute comedy. Really made me chuckle.
* definitely
not definately.
:)
This guy badly needs an editor
Lol, this article amused me. As I was reading it I was thinking "How on earth has he got away with publishing all of this?" but then when I scrolled down to the comments I realised you hadn't...quite, ha. Still I'm impressed that it has caused so much controversy, because that's often one of the main ways in which people get noticed - like P.Brown says, it has elicited a response in people and we're talking about.
I agree when people say it is unsettling but for me that's what got me hooked. I was reading it like, "How the hell does someone get out of something like this?" and I just had to keep reading to find out, which was cool. I thought it was silly of you and also rather worrying when you got so drunk out of your mind you didn't recollect the night's events and even took drugs (although I don't know if you do this kinda thing a lot, but still) and then even got into a stranger's car...but at least you paint a good message of WHY these things are a bad idea and how people like that do actually exist. I don't know if you are pretentious or not, having never met you, and I don't know about the history of your friendships, so maybe next time you could clarify that a bit more? Either way very entertaining....I loved how you went running to your girlfriend to make everything better...we often do haha :)
talking about it*
"This guy badly needs an editor" - Robin Brown
Haha, I know. I wrote this over two years ago now, and it makes me cringe a little to read it. Bunny the Hamster is still going strong, by the way - she turned 2 the other day.
Here's more evidence that I need an editor. If Bunny just turned 2 then I must have written this article just UNDER two years ago. Damn it.
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